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Sun, Sep. 11th, 2005, 03:00 am
What is time, anyways..

So I was watching a George Carlin stand up routine from the 70's or something tonight. It was pretty damn funny and amazingly ... insightful if you sat down and listened to some of the stuff on a different level. He was talking about time and the fact that it is entirely man-made and only has control over us because we live and die by it. Put forth by George Carlin it is pretty funny but I was listening on a different level too.

I guess it is on the forefront of my mind lately. My dad's mum, my grandmother, was recently found to have an aggressive aneurism on one of her arteries near her heart and they will have to do something pretty quick. They are not entirely certain of their chances of success. Mostly, strangely, I am worried for my dad. It won't be easy on him to lose his mother, if it comes to that. In that event I am going to try to scrape the funds together to fly out to Iowa to be there with him for her funeral. Tonight, I prayed that whatever is meant to happen, all the parties involved find their peace with it. I love my da...

I guess thats about it for now...

Hopefully it is sleep for me now...

Mon, Sep. 5th, 2005, 04:08 am
Insomnia

I can't tell where its coming from. I had intended to blog on myspace but due to technical difficulties I am here. I can't sleep. A million things keep running through my head and if I wasn't expecting to get up.. (hah!) in two hours I would probably have taken something to help me sleep.

This weekend... I can't decide if it was good or bad. I think it was good, mostly. Had a good time Friday night. Good time Saturday with the exception of the near drowning. In two hours I will be visiting with a friend who is supposed to be dropping by on his way out of town. I am excited.

I haven't talked to Luke all weekend. We had a small arguement on Friday night after I got in and then haven't been able to reach him since then. I'm not sure if he is in Cali just not available, avoiding me, or if he was sent somewhere. He was on recall and I didn't get a chance to find out if they ever let him off.

We officially are on a break. What the hell is that? I know I can't honestly be in a relationship with him anymore, at this point. By honestly, I mean, faithfully. I am not in love with him. I could be... but I cannot love indefinitely at a distance. To maintain that sort of passion, it does require a healthy amount of actual *presence*... who'd have thought. Expecially with all the other crap.... ugh..

But, I do love him. I can't give up on him... but I don't know how to make it happen. I had to be honest before he moved out here, even knowing that by being honest, he might not move out here. It kills me! I want so badly to just have that chance with him... but to keep going the way we were, I was lying to myself and to him and I can't live like that. I couldn't make him understand... he kept saying I would one day just decide I couldn't do it anymore... I kept telling him that wasn't the concern... it was that every day I was slowly shutting down... until eventually it wasn't that it hurt too much; it was that it didn't hurt at all. Maybe I am just fooling myself.

I watched Alfie today.. It was at times, like watching a male version of myself. With a few exceptions, of course. I am no where near the player he was... at least I don't think so. I have extreme trouble maintaining any sort of extended contact with anyone. Let alone someone I only care about for a shag. Still... it struck a few notes.. hard to explain, really.

I think that's all for now.. to be continued...

Tue, Aug. 30th, 2005, 09:14 am

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Tue, Aug. 30th, 2005, 08:34 am
Once in a blue moon ain't half bad...

Who the hell knew this was still floating around out there. God it's been a while. Not even sure what to write, I guess.

What has changed, what hasn't? So many, many things. Ron is deployed to Afghanistan. Luke is in California. We are still "together" in the way that you can be while on opposite coasts of the country. I feel the love withering more and more each day. It's strange that it was easier while he was in Iraq ... I think I wanted so much when he came home and to be so disappointed, over and over ... it's a trial.

I was laid off from my job that I thought was so wonderful. For a purely personal reason, I have become convinced. However, my previous boss offered to put me through real estate school and take me on as his property manager and train me to be an agent. Not a bad profession in this city. Things have sucked but they are looking up.

The bliss that was my home came crashing quickly down around my head when my landlord began harassing me. He came by my house once, unannounced at 9:30 at night, drunk and blatantly hitting on my friend and I. Then he sent a friend of his by the house just a couple weeks ago. I am not sure how to handle it when it comes time to renew my lease. Barring anything amazing happening between then and now, I will probably re-new.. or at least go month to month for a few months.

However... things are not all bad. There are things in my life that are looking amazingly up. Kate started school this week. She is officially .... not a baby anymore. She will be 5 in September. Ron is coming home for leave in that time and I will probably be .. who knows, really.. preparing to take my Real Estate exam. There is a friend of mine that is slowly becoming more than a friend... the idea of not being able to spend time with him makes me ... sad. I feel almost guilty admitting that though.. as I well should. I need to figure out what I'm doing with Luke. I need Luke to be here so I can figure out what I'm doing with him... *sigh*

Anyways... conflict.. is the nature of me.

Thu, Feb. 10th, 2005, 09:02 pm
5 weeks

It's not a definite date but it is close. It's enough that I can feel fairly certain it will be within a week or two of that. This is so strange to be waiting for another man to come home from Iraq while at the same time to be preparing to send Ron to Afghanistan. Not that I will really be "sending" Ron anywhere, or waiting for him to return in any significant way. I feel bad sometimes. This is so strange. I care so much for Luke, its entirely different from Ron's deployment. It's so strange to be so devoted to someone after Ron could not inspire me to commit to anything.

Anyways, back to the original point... 5 Weeks!!! Things are culminating... so many things I don't want to mention to anyone for fear of sounding like a sappy fool. And because I value it so much I almost don't want to share. I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I am happy. And this is with him a million miles away and only the telephone and internet to connect us. I can only imagine what it will be like to share so much more.

Anticipation...

*sigh*

On another note : I look around at some of the things I have achieved. This house, myself, my job... I wonder. This feeling of being a kid playing a grown up game... does it ever subside completely? When? Will I always feel this .... amazed? I hope... so and not... so many conflicting emotions..
Life is... so beautiful.

Sun, Feb. 6th, 2005, 11:53 am

I damn near forget my new password every time I come back to the site. I am averaging about 2 entries per month. I guess thats good. I usually have more to write when things are going bad and I am sick of listening to myself complain.

House warming party last night was a success. I was very thankful for the people who did come and they brought gifts which was wonderful of them. I love the look of my kitchen now - all lived in. I can't wait until the rest of my house fills out similarly. I need a sofa for my living room and I will be mostly happy there. I will get the rest of the furniture slowly. I don't want a lot either. I like the spartan look a little. I need to get some paintings for the walls; everyone liked the ones I have up already. There were a couple I saw at Bed Bath & Beyond I liked. i am pretty particular about those things tho - about like everything else.

The time on this entry is way off. It's about midnight now. I just got back from hanging out with Trish. She picked my up about 5:30 and we went grocery shopping. I am exhausted. Kate is over to her dad's now. He is going to take her into day care and pick her up tomorrow. He is being pretty decent about the whole thing. I don't know if it shows him anything in the way of what I do each morning. Probably not - but who knows. He was fairlly decent to me this weekend too, even apologized for upsetting me on Friday afternoon.

Here is a strange thing.. I never told Luke about all that. My disagreement with Ron. I hate to bring up Ron when talking to Luke. I know that Ron is a part of my life and will be as long as I have a child with him (which is not likely to change for .. ever) and Luke is extremely understanding about the whole thing. I just have a hard time expressing that Ron still has the power to upset me; especially to Luke. Who knows if that makes sense. Bleh.

Anyways, I didn't really have a whole lot to say. Just wanted to update sine it had been a while. I have now been in my house just over a month. I love it more and more each day. I usually live in a place and start to notice things I don't like.. this place, there has been none of that. I think I will stay here a while. The only thing I can think of better than this is a place I get to share with someone I love... (other than my child, I mean). *sigh* one day...

I guess it is off to bed for me.. <3

Sat, Jan. 29th, 2005, 08:57 pm

Wow, maybe I should update more often.

Then again, maybe not.

It's Saturday and I'm bored and tired. I am thinking that maybe I really might have a touch of seasonal affective disorder. Tomorrow I am going to go to the tanning salon and see if some bright light therapy doesn't help snap me out of it a bit. I have been tired and dragging all the time lately. Barely want to leave my house. I am dying to go to bed right now and its not even 9pm yet. Can't wait for Spring.

Outside of all that, everything is dandy. Talked to Luke... he says he might be coming home soon... as in a few weeks. May have to redeploy. So many maybes, its hard to tell what to think or ... be excited about. I know his time in Iraq is coming to an end and I am truely excited about that. He will be out to visit me shortly thereafter, so he assures me. I am anxious and eager and excited. There are so many emotions tied up in him.. I want to be with him simply because I love him so much. He is probably my best friend at this moment, I can't think of a thing we can't talk about or don't. I can't wait to have him in my life on a more regular, physical way.

Work is good. I have been working my ass off. Very nearly literally. I have stairs at work and stairs at home and I get up and down them many many times a day. But, more accurately, I have been working a lot. Usually about 10 hours a day, went in today to wrap some things up. Going in on my day off, can you imagine. Who would have ever thought. I guess I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Went out with Tiff and Ray last night, was terrified I would get trashed and do something stupid again. I think that until I find a place to dance all that shit off I am better off just not drinking so much.

Bleh.. anyways... listening to some breaks now, feel like turning my light off and just relaxing
.. I think I'll go to that..

Mon, Jan. 17th, 2005, 08:46 am
Oh God..

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Be a bitch.

Get your resolution here


Mon, Jan. 17th, 2005, 07:57 am

You have always thought about your entourage and its well-being. But you will not be able to enjoy the day if you keep on acting this way, MONIQUE. Indeed, lately you have been working very hard and everything around you has become much more simple. The time has now come for you to focus on new things. Try to be clear-sighted and listen to others.


Man, this is so me. And the working hard and simplifying is true too. I have been trying to cut the distractions out. Occasionally, I slip and allow one back but its never for long. I am human and I need to be loved... :D

So, talked to Dad this morning... things are still a go for the whole car thing. I am so reluctant to trust anyone anymore on anything. Until I actually see it happen, everything is subject to change. Talked to B-rad yesterday.. told him I am not going to date him again as I am committed to waiting. It went well, I think. If there was any sort of irritation or disappointment he hid it well and continued to be gracious.

I have decided I REALLY like my company. I would like to stay there a while. Not entirely certain what the future holds for me but I am happy here. Strangely. I travelled far from home and gave up nearly everything ... and happiness found me. I have felt so very fortunate for some time now. I just hope I can continue to hold onto this ...

Sun, Jan. 16th, 2005, 08:09 pm
1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21....thank heaven for constants.

Wow, has it really been so long... So many things have changed. So many have stayed the same. Two-thousand dollars later, I am now in the house that I was working so hard for. I haven't any furniture at the moment and only one small television, but its mine.. well at least for as long as my lease term. Which is at least a year. I am supposed to be having a house warming party soon but that may have to be adjusted pending a trip to Chicago - to pick up my car!! I'm not sure what kind of car yet, that is all up in the air.

As far as people go - many have taken very secondary or even cameo roles in my life. A few have stepped into much more leading roles. Namely Trish and Luke. I think its safe to say Trish is probably my closest friend out here. I have finally gotten a little closer with some of the other folks at work.

Abandoning that train of thought, got bored with it. I am listening to Prince. Makes me happy. Feeling kind of hyper. Not entirely certain why. So, I have been being all committed to waiting for Luke lately. A few distractions have popped up but they were easily laid to rest. I am really starting to finally feel a little more settled. Things are coming together to make the whole that will be my life - at least for a while. It's hard for me to think too far into the future and of things that may or may not change. There are definitely things I want, but I am not sure how, when and if they will come about.

All in all... lets just run down the list real quick to bring anyone not in my immediate circle - up to date. Signed a lease on my new house for a year. Will be staying here. Happy at work. Feeling stable and confident they will keep me around for a while. I may be getting a new car soon, flyin to Chi-town. Happy in a new long term - long distance relationship. I can't wait til he comes home and I can really explore that. Getting on fairly well with Ron.. moving past that now... difficult but good. Empty house, full life, finally. Material is meaningless. Its hard accepting that and really believing it sometimes, but its the truth. Going shopping at thrift stores tomorrow. Maybe I will get lucky. I am feeling wonderfully. Loving life, loving my friends. :) Oh yea, hair is getting long. hehe.. I am excited about that. :)

ok.. signing off now... haven't been able to commit to this entry fully and it is fairly disjointed. Just popping on to keep it semi-current. Peace love and happiness.

-M

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